Loss, Acceptance (and the Lack Thereof)

My aunt Camilla died.

She was one of my favorite people on the planet, unfailingly kind and supportive, always cheerful, and just an all-around great human being.

She was ninety-one.

And by the end, she was failing, and it was hard.

But I already miss her so much.

She was such an amazing human being.

And her husband is devastated, as is my mother, her sister.  But being very private people, they are dealing with it privately, and quietly, which is how they want it.

It is sad for me to realize that my parent's entire generation is rapidly passing on, leaving me and mine as the elders who are supposed to have the wisdom.  I'm NOT READY.  Wisdom?  You have got to be kidding me!  What wisdom?

I remember my mother telling me a long time ago that it's weird how you don't feel like you're getting older--you just notice how old the "kids" are getting.  She was SO RIGHT. My body keeps telling me that "Yoo hoo, remember me?  I've been around a while now.  You might not want to try some of that stupid shit you used to do any more.  I'm not willing to put up with it."  I don't really regret having done the stupid shit--but every morning the arthritis in the various joints I've injured pokes and prods me.

And I'm sad.  A lot of the time now is being spent on goodbyes.  And while I truly believe in an afterlife that is better, and in an Almighty who is kinder and considerably more forgiving than most of us (a) believe and (b) deserve, I also miss the friends and family who are gone.

There is a very old joke that a man goes to heaven, gets through the gates, looks around and is STUNNED by who he sees there.  He's speechless.  And St. Pete turns to him and goes, "Yeah, I know.  They didn't expect to see you here either."

I spend much of my life being very driven.  I have so much I want to accomplish.  I have goals, and I strive very hard to meet them.  Some I reach quickly.  Some will take me a lifetime.  But in all the rush and push to go, go, go--I sometimes forget to rest, and enjoy the moment, and treasure the fact that I have wonderful people and animals in my life, people who have taught me about laughter, loyalty, and courage in the face of adversity.

I've had a great life thus far.  People like my Aunt, and my Father can take a lot of the credit for that.  I never once doubted that I am loved.  (Although sometimes I admit I've not been all that lovable).  And knowing that is a bedrock foundation that allows me to be who and what I am.

I have experienced many things (still no wisdom though--but I'm working on it).  And those experiences, good and bad, and the people who took part in them, taught me things about life that make it possible for me to be a writer--to show others shaded, nuanced realities and tell stories about people who aren't just cardboard cutout figures.

I could go on, but, being driven (and looking at the clock), I realize that I only have a few minutes before the day job starts.  So I move on, diving into yet another day, that blurs into weeks, months, and even years.  Seriously, I don't remember the past three years.  They went by that fast.  It's terrifying.  Because if I don't experience the now why am I here?  I need the now.  Yes, the future is important too--but it isn't promised.  The past is gone.  It can only serve as a source of experience if I'm willing to learn the lessons.  Now is it.  I need to remember not to waste it on BS.

Toodles.