Saturday Morning

HI Guys. Cie here.

It's Saturday morning. I'm hoping to get some things done this weekend, but I've been fighting off being sick all week (which is why I've been tired) so I may wind up not doing a blasted thing other than lay around. We'll just have to see.

But the goal today is to do and be me. I spend most of my life accommodating others. I work in a service industry, etc. The other day in dealing with somebody I discovered something alarming. I almost literally couldn't use the word "No." One syllable, two letters. Should be easy. I kept saying. "I don't think so." "That would be a bad idea." "I'd rather not." And the person just kept pushing. Finally they joked about how "Until you say no, it's still negotiable." So I said "No."

They weren't happy, but they also stared at me and said. "That was really hard for you wasn't it? Why? Why can't you just say no?" And I realized part of it was the time and place of my upbringing. Nice girls just weren't that aggressive. If we didn't want to do something we had to apologize and explain and avoid. What we wanted wasn't supposed to be as important as what the other person wanted, so standing up for it had to be done with the utmost delicacy.

Pardon me, but what a crock of shit. And I cannot tell you how hard it's made things. Because other people think "It can't be that important" or "She didn't say no" and just keep pushing, while all the while I feel like I'm being bullied unmercifully.

I'm definitely going to have to include this for a character somewhere sometime. I am also DEFINITELY going to have to work on it. But the habits of decades don't disappear overnight. So wish me luck.