Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Morning Off

Hi Guys! I took the morning off from the day job because I needed some time. For a couple of reasons.

First, I'm not feeling well. And I knew that this morning would probably be worse (never mind how. I'm being discreet. I just did.), so I decided to stay home.

I also had some things I needed to do.

But most importantly, yesterday afternoon I caught myself for the second or third time doing something that I find completely unacceptable.

I'm turning into someone I don't like at all, just to fit in. I don't mean to, but I'm catching myself doing it. Being that bitchy gossip girl that I always hated. That's not me. I don't WANT that to be me.

Once upon a time, when I was young (yeah, a REALLY long time ago) I didn't give a glorious #@$*@# about what people thought. I did what I wanted and was who I was. And I was thus THOROUGHLY ostracized, criticized, and marginalized for it. So I moved. (There were other reasons, but that was a big part of it.) To the city. Where I could be who I was and really, seriously, it didn't matter much. In fact, compared to a lot of folks I was just seriously boring. SERIOUSLY boring.

Then about 5 years ago I moved to a small town again. I am not young. I am not "cute". People are not going to excuse me for oddities because of the two previous sentences. (And yes, like it or not, pretty people get cut quite a bit of slack in our society.) And this small town does, in fact, have small town attitudes. And I need to work in the town. So I adjusted a bit to try to fit in. And then I adjusted a bit more.

And now I find myself being who I don't like. Having lost my way. On the good side, I've gotten back in touch with my religion. On the bad side, I'm turning into a shallow bitch.

I've said repeatedly how I want to go "home." I feel like a heel. There are nice people here. Really there are. But I'm not turning out to be one of them. And while I should have control of that, I don't.

When did I start worrying, CARING about what other people thought to the point of letting it change who I was. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

I know it's my fault. I'm just confused as hell about it. Where's the courageous kid I used to be?

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I'm changing subjects now. Mainly because I don't have an answer, and I probably shouldn't be discussing this on a very public blog anyway.

But my resolution is to find a solution where I can be me and not screw up making a living at the day job until we get the contract money and I move. Maybe by duct taping my mouth shut?

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Good news, I had NOT totally pissed off the person I thought I had. She's just had a frantically busy life. I'm glad.

1 comment:

Dolly in TN said...

Hey Cie, glad your friend isn't mad. That's always a touchy situation. About your living situation...been there done that. Not pleasant but...what can I say to make you feel better. I'm disabled so I stay at home and avoid most people but I'm happy alone and I also have my family. Hoping for you to be able to relocate soom.