Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"I Thin' I Need A Bigger Box"

A Dios Taco Bell Dog.


Okay. I have screwed up. A lot. You don't live this long without mistakes. Some of them turned out really well. Some, not so much. I've been angry and frustrated at a lot of people. Some of them deserved it. Soem, not so much.

But AS OF THIS MOMENT: I HEREBY DECLARE A "DO OVER." I forgive myself. And I really, seriously am trying to wipe the slate and forgive everybody else too. Because, ultimately, most people are just chugging along as best they can. The ones who aren't will screw up and be on the new shit list soon enough. Or not, considering a great number of them aren't in my life any more.

My life is mine. And I've been trying to please everybody. It doesn't work. It also doesn't please me. In fact, it's depressed the hell out of me. SO, I'm letting myself out of the little bitty box I've been trapping myself in to be acceptable. (Like the Taco Bell dog in dealing with Godzilla, "I thin' I need a bigger box.) I'm going to be me. This means that I'm going to seem really, seriously, freaky to a lot of folks in this conservative little town sometimes. But oh well. It means that I'm probably going to look a little silly wearing my fedora and such at cons. Again, oh well. I get to be silly, and feisty, and have fun. I really do.

I've been very hard on myself because I'm still here in Texas. I've made some decisions that were logical, but have kept me from achieving the move so far. It sucks. And I've been punishing myself for it. But I hereby forgive myself for that too. Because I did my best. And I screwed up. And nobody got hurt but me, and I don't have to be hurt if I don't want to. And I don't. So I start over. SO. I've done it before. Only a few hundred (thousand, maybe even million . . . no, not million, but multiple thousands are a definite possibility and hundred is a given) times. And I've survived, and learned. And that's a lot of what life is about. You live, you learn, you move on to be a better person.

I'll make it to Denver eventually. It will work out. And in the meantime, I'm going to be the best me I know how to be---warts and all.



Tammy said...


Doing the best you can do is the only thing you can do.

Personally I've lost track of the number of times I've screwed up, I just keep on doing and figure eventually karma will catch up and something will go my way for a change. And in the meantime I try to do the best I can do.

Dolly said...

Big Hug. Now you've got it right. Being yourself is the only thing to do. Don't worry about other folks. If they can't take it know. Hang it there Cie.

Suzette said...

People screw up. Be happy and don't worry what others think! Oh, and Denver, isn't going anywhere....unless you know something I don't. LOL

C. T. Adams said...

Thanks guys! I'm feeling much better since I made that decision. :)